Trump's Proposed Hacking Solution - No Kitchen Table Diplomacy Here

Declassified Photo 12/31/2016                          Source: Pres-Elect Trump

Trump bungalow at Mara Lago

PPPS (Mara Lago)—In a rebuttal to President Obama's announcement to expel Russian diplomats as punishment for alleged Russian hacking and exposure of Democrat Party election corruption, President-Elect Donald Trump issued a very brief statement this morning at his vacation home in Mara Lago, Florida.

Here is his statement:

"President Obama had his chances to protect our nation's cyber security, but he canceled a key cyber warfare weapons program and chose to ignore the problem until it impacted the Democrat Party. Then, between golf outings, and in a pathetic attempt to delegitimize my Huge election victory, he chose a weak Kitchen Table Diplomacy solution which he thought would frighten Putin. What a loser. Putin could not be happier.

On my first day in office, I will issue an executive order to immediately resume building and deployment of a terrific new cyber security weapon, to be completed by the end of my first month in office, right after I've built that wall along the Mexican border....which, by the way, Mexico will pay for. 

This weapon is so deadly and so precise that Russia and China, and probably even North Korea and Iran, will immediately end their cyber attacks on our nation's key data infrastructure. I may not even have to use it.....but then again, I might. 

Oh, and by the way, I'll get China to pay for it.

Thank you. No questions at this time. My staff will release a declassified photo of the new weapon, so that the you corrupt press folks can freak out and write more lies about me. 

Happy New Year everyone. We are going to Make America Great Again."

Immediately after the conclusion of the President-Elect's statement, we were issued the photo of the new cyber security weapon that appears at the top of this news article.

There was no immediate response from President Obama, who is vacationing in Hawaii.

There are rumors that the Trump administration my also be developing a plan to address the domestic hacking problem, most often perpetrated by young males living in their parents' basements. Our sources indicate the new program has been dubbed the "Basement Bunker Buster Bomb Project" - but that has not been confirmed. Quoting one unnamed source: "We'll be able to take them out while they're still in their pajamas."

With Election Loss Final, Hillary to Launch Book Tour With Husband Bill

PPPS (Chappaqua, NY)—With the selection of Donald J. Trump as President-Elect now confirmed by the Electoral College, and Secretary Hillary Clinton's surprising election loss now starting to appear final, Hillary and Bill may be moving on.

Pre-Release Copy - NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION

Hillary Clinton's trusted aide and confidant, Huma Abedin, released a statement this morning that the Clintons will be launching a nation-wide book tour beginning in January.

Their new book, titled Dead Broke No More, is scheduled for release on January 20, 2017, and is likely to become the defining guide to achieving financial success while serving in public office.

PPPS has obtained this exclusive, pre-release copy of the cover.

It is being reported that Simon & Schuster, in an effort to recoup losses from Hillary Clinton's last book, Hard Choices, only offered the Clinton's an advance barely equal to a single one of the couple's previous speaking fees.