Biden's Afghanistan Speech Summary

PPPS (Washington, DC)—President Joe Biden took time out from his well-earned vacation to deliver speech to our nation and the world regarding the US troop withdrawal from Afghanistan.

For the benefit of our low information readers with short attention spans, we summarized President Biden's historic speech with a few brief phrases and photos.

Biden Transition Requests Denied

 PPPS (Washington, DC)—From unnamed sources in both the White House and the Office of President-Elect Joe Biden, PPPS has learned that at least one very important Transition Team request has been denied.

Apparently, in the wake of President-Elect Biden's recent foot injury incurred while playing with the Soon-To-Be First Dog, the Biden transition team has requested that senior-safe, walk-in tub-showers be installed in the White House private residence, adjacent to the Oval Office, and in the female Secret Service detail locker room. The lame-duck White House transition team has apparently denied this important safety request.

The Beast (prior to modification)

In an unrelated story, Chief White House Correspondent Political-Beat Pete has learned that the White House also denied a Biden Transition Team request to modify the official Presidential Limousine, affectionately dubbed "The Beast", to add a secret compartment capable of transporting ballot boxes.

BREAKING: Suspicious Russian Connections Among Trump Supporters at Denver Rally

PPPS (Denver)—Accusations by the Media and other members of the Democrat Party that the Trump Campaign was coordinating with the Russian government may have been confirmed by supporters at a Trump Rally in Denver yesterday.

During the past week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been forced to admit that he met with Russian Ambassador Sergey Ivanovich Kislyak and has now recused himself from any investigations of Russian influence on the Trump election.

Trump supporters welcoming the protesters.

PPPS investigators decided to interview Trump supporters at a rally today on the steps of the Colorado State Capitol regarding the accusations of Russian influence. The results of our investigation were truly shocking.

Friendly protesters were there to encourage open discussion.

Perhaps encouraged by the protesters who showed up to participate in friendly discussions, many Trump supporters were remarkably open to admitting that they too had met with the Russian ambassador when interviewed by our PPPS reporters.

In fact, based upon our random interviews, the Russian ambassador apparently met with an astounding number of Trump supporters during just a few short visits to Colorado. There can no longer be any doubt of Russian influence on the election, as evidenced by candidate Trump coming within 5 percentage points of winning the election over Hillary Clinton in Colorado.


Following is a random sample of the Colorado Trump supporters (and one supporter from Denmark) who met with Ambassador Kislyak. (Click to enlarge the photos, there might be someone you know.)

Trump's Proposed Hacking Solution - No Kitchen Table Diplomacy Here

Declassified Photo 12/31/2016                          Source: Pres-Elect Trump

Trump bungalow at Mara Lago

PPPS (Mara Lago)—In a rebuttal to President Obama's announcement to expel Russian diplomats as punishment for alleged Russian hacking and exposure of Democrat Party election corruption, President-Elect Donald Trump issued a very brief statement this morning at his vacation home in Mara Lago, Florida.

Here is his statement:

"President Obama had his chances to protect our nation's cyber security, but he canceled a key cyber warfare weapons program and chose to ignore the problem until it impacted the Democrat Party. Then, between golf outings, and in a pathetic attempt to delegitimize my Huge election victory, he chose a weak Kitchen Table Diplomacy solution which he thought would frighten Putin. What a loser. Putin could not be happier.

On my first day in office, I will issue an executive order to immediately resume building and deployment of a terrific new cyber security weapon, to be completed by the end of my first month in office, right after I've built that wall along the Mexican border....which, by the way, Mexico will pay for. 

This weapon is so deadly and so precise that Russia and China, and probably even North Korea and Iran, will immediately end their cyber attacks on our nation's key data infrastructure. I may not even have to use it.....but then again, I might. 

Oh, and by the way, I'll get China to pay for it.

Thank you. No questions at this time. My staff will release a declassified photo of the new weapon, so that the you corrupt press folks can freak out and write more lies about me. 

Happy New Year everyone. We are going to Make America Great Again."

Immediately after the conclusion of the President-Elect's statement, we were issued the photo of the new cyber security weapon that appears at the top of this news article.

There was no immediate response from President Obama, who is vacationing in Hawaii.

There are rumors that the Trump administration my also be developing a plan to address the domestic hacking problem, most often perpetrated by young males living in their parents' basements. Our sources indicate the new program has been dubbed the "Basement Bunker Buster Bomb Project" - but that has not been confirmed. Quoting one unnamed source: "We'll be able to take them out while they're still in their pajamas."