Dems Ditch Donkey, Flip to the Bird

PPPS (Washington, DC)—At the end of a week of Impeachment Fever in our nation's capitol, the Democrat Party unveiled a new mascot more representative of current direction of the party. 

New mascot design and excerpt from official party press release.

The new mascot was unveiled late in the day on Friday in a hastily convened press conference led by Acting Speaker of the House, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, accompanied by other members of the party leadership.

The new mascot design, featuring a common loon, was finally adopted after heated debate in the Democrat Party Caucus. Speaker-In-Name-Only Nancy Pelosi, who earlier in the week had expressed opposition to the change, apparently flipped under pressure, and finally gave her approval.


Our sources within the Democrat Caucus indicate that another mascot, the Hyena, was initially considered as representative of the party's tenacity in pursuing impeachment of President Trump, but was ultimately rejected because "hyenas aren't nice."

Professor Pete Explains Climate Crisis

The CNN Climate Science Experts

PPPS (Littleton)—Yesterday, CNN held a seven-hour seminar on the impending Climate Crisis which featured ten noted experts in climate science, who also happen to be Democrat Party candidates for president.

The program was both educational and alarming, as the candidates made a compelling case for immediate action to save our planet. It was difficult to turn away from the TV.

Because of the courageous CNN programming, the Climate Crisis now tops the list of important issues of concern to our low information readers.

We've asked our resident expert, weatherman Precipitation Pete, to weigh in on the Climate Crisis. But Pete, preoccupied with covering the disastrous Hurricane Dorian, instead referred us to a 2017 quote from our esteemed science adviser, Professor Pete.

For the purpose of alarming the public and advancing an unstated agenda, Conspiracy Theory is one scientific discipline wherein the absence of data, or the presence of conflicting data, is used to corroborate the stated hypothesis.

Climate Science is another such discipline.

—Professor Pete, 2017