Senate Confirms Coakley Ahead of Massachusettes Election

(APPS - Washington) In a surprising turn of events which may have implications for passage of health care reform legislation, the U.S. Senate early this morning confirmed Martha Coakley as the new senator from Massachusettes.

This action was preceded late Friday evening by a special emergency session of the Massechusettes Senate and House of Representatives. The joint session was convened to vote in a new law allowing for certification of a winning candidate ahead of a special election. Passage of the measure was nearly unanimous, with State Senator Scott Brown, the only Republican elected official in Massachusetts, casting the lone dissenting vote.

Shortly after receiving a faxed opinion from the State Attorney General that the new law was constitutional, the joint session then voted to certify Democratt Martha Coakley as the winner of next Tuesday's special election. The second vote on formal certification was unanimous --Mr. Brown having left the capitol building.  Governor Deval Patrick quickly signed the measure to send Ms. Coakly to Washington as the new Senator from the Commonwealth of Massechusettes.

In the U.S. Senate session, convened at 12 AM this morning, a resolution was put forward by Senator Burris of Illinois to immediately confirm the State of Massachusetts' action. "Far be it for this august body to hesitate in affirming a request by a state to fill a vacancy" stated Senator Burris as he introduced the measure.

Debating the issue on the Senate floor, Senate Leader Harry Reid argued, "This important action will allow us to move forward on health care reform so that the 60 million people currently without health insurance in this country can receive the care they so desperately need." In an uncharacteristically brief speech, Senator Kerry, the senior senator from Massachusetts, made an emotional plea to "Just do it for Teddy" and sat down.

During the five minutes of debate allotted to them, Senate Republicans once again tried to thwart the progress of health reform by arguing that both the actions by Massachusetts to certify a candidate prior to an election, and the Senate resolution to seat that candidate, were in violation of the U.S. Constitution and Senate rules. "During my entire career in public service I've never seen anything so outrageous as this," stated Senator McCain of Arizona.

There was a brief period of delay when it appeared that Democrats might not have the 60 votes necessary to cut off debate. However, a phone call from President Obama, who was following the proceedings on C-SPAN, to Senator Paul Kirk, quickly resolved the problem.  Senator Kirk, who was appointed in September to temporarily occupy the Ted Kennedy Seat, cast the deciding vote to end debate, and then again to formally seat Ms. Coakley. Kirk noted ironically, "I may just have made Senate history by voting to put myself out of a job."  Rumors that Kirk may have been offered a choice ambassadorship could not be confirmed.


At the conclusion of the vote, the new Senator Coakley, who was already in Washington, DC for a campaign fundraiser and to pick out new office furniture, immediately entered the Senate chamber and was sworn in. Coakley, while humbly acknowledging the enthusiastic applause, stated: "I want to thank my new colleagues in the Senate and the wisdom of our elected representatives in Massachusettes for expressing the true will of the people. I am honored to accept this seat for so long occupied by he Lion of the Senate and will do my best to uphold his dream of free universal health care for everyone."

Back in Boston, Republican candidate Scott Brown, contacted at 2 AM while shaking hands with constituents exiting sports bars near Fenway Park, vowed to keep campaigning right up until Tuesday's vote.  On some of the early morning blogs, pundits are questioning his decision to continue campaigning in light of what is now considered a meaningless election. Many say it just confirms the complete disconnect between Mr. Brown and the people of Massachusetts.

In a brief statement released this morning prior to meeting with former presidents Clinton and Bush about Haiti relief, President Obama had this to say about Senator Coakley's confirmation:

I want to comment on the recent unprecedented action by the Senate last night to seat Senator Coakley before what was about to become a sham election. The Republicans, beholden to insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, Wall Street bankers and other special interests, were attempting to thwart the will of the American people to reform our failed health care system by influencing the Senate election in Massachusetts. This issue has been a matter of great concern to me. That failed election process could have resulted in a situation where the citizens of that great state, who already enjoy the benefits of universal health care insurance, would have been manipulated into voting to prevent others in this country from receiving similar insurance reform. That situation was just not acceptable to me. I will not condone a health care reform solution that rewards citizens in one state differently from those in another. Therefore, I am very pleased with the steps taken and the wisdom expressed by the Massechussettes Senate and House of Representatives in this matter, and by the actions of the Senate. I am looking forward to working with Senator Coakley on health care reform and other important issues.  Thank you.

Rumors that House Speaker Nancy Palosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid may convene a joint session of Congress late this evening to pass a health care reform bill, prior to conclusion of the conference negotiations and writing of the bill, could not be confirmed.

Blog Follower Sends Calling Card

A frequent follower of this blog -- a man who calls himself Citizen Pete - sent in his calling card.  We thought we would post it. - The Staff

Video Inspires Support for President's Plans

(APPPS - Nashville) A new music video by well-known comedian and song writer Tim Hawkins titled "The Government Can" has made a meteoric rise to the top of the charts in the past few days, and may turn the tide in the health care reform debate. Leading pundits are predicting that the video's popularity and its positive message, which builds a strong case for increased government intervention in the economy and our personal lives, may tip the balance in the president's favor, not only on heath care reform, but on President Obama's other ambitious legislative initiatives such as Cap and Trade and a second, much-needed stimulus bill.

Democratic legislators have discovered that playing the video at the start of townhall meetings often turns the crowd from angry opposition into enthusiastic support of government-run health care. Even the most cantankurous, un-American retirees and veterans are turning into polite and apologetic patriots, often requesting more sweeping entitlements than proposed in the current bills.

Rumors that the White House and Organizing for America may have paid for production of the video could not be confirmed.

To view the Tim Hawkins video, click here. And to support real comedy go to Tim's website.

Guest Editorial on Health Care Reform

The following guest editorial is from that well-known malcontent Persnickety Pete, founder of the extreme right-wing organization, Un-Americans For Change, and author of the book "Manufacturing Anger - a Guide to Political Persuasion". Some consider Pete to be the "Saul Alinsky" of the Tea Party movement.

My Thoughts on Health Care Reform
- by Persnickety Pete

All this loud, hot air about Health Care Reform got me think'n.  

And after think'n a while, I got to remember'n. 

And after remember'n a while, I wuz reminded of how my great grandmama, Persnickety Pearl, who was really wise and really persnickety, had a say'n.

And this say'n, wuz someth'n Grandmama Persnickety Peal said all the time.  And every time she said it, she said it really loud, 'cause she couldn't hear very well, and 'cause she couldn't hear very well, she jus' figured no one else could hear very well either, so whatever she said, she said really loud. 

Which is maybe why I remember this thing she said to me so well, it be'n so loud and all. That and the fact that she repeated it so often. I think that sometimes she forgot what she said from one minute to the next, so she tended to repeat herself, which she did quite often. And she did it loudly. Did I say that already, you know, about the loud part?

Well, anyway........where was I? ......I kinda got distracted there for a minute..... 

Ya know, my great grandmama, Persnickety Pearl, she used to get distracted a lot, too. And when she got distracted, she'd start to speak louder. And then she'd start to repeat herself, and that was when you knew she was really distracted. And the last thing ya wanted to do when Grandmama Pearl got really distracted wuz to distract her some more.

And then.....oh, yeah, I remember now..... my great grandmama Persnickety Pearl had this say'n....I can almost hear her now.

She'd say to me "Pete, my persnickety little pumpk'n, come over to yor great grandmama, and set yorself down, cause she's got someth'n to say to you." And then she'd kind'a lean over a bit, real close to my ear, and she'd say really loud,

"Just remember this, THE ROAD TO RUIN IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS...... 

and if I've said it once, I'll say it again, only louder, so you can hear me.....

THE ROAD TO RUIN IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS."

And then, most times, she would nod off, and I would try and get away without distracting her again.

Well, it just so happened that, while I was thnk'n about my great grandmama, Persnickety Pearl, a thought occured to me.

What if this new government health care reform bill that they've been debate'n at all these Townhall meet'ns, was kinda like that road she always talked about?

It just seemed like all those people scream'n at each other at them Townhall meet'ns must have had good intentions, especially 'cause they were all so loud, and 'cause my great grandmama, Persnickety Pearl,  was really loud, and she always had good intentions. 

And then I remembered all of the stuff I get in the mail tell'n about how our duly elected officials have good intentions.  And then I realized, right then and there ....

now this is important....

right then and there, I realized, that this health care reform thing was just like that road that my great grandmama was always talk'n about.

And then a wave a patriotism washed over me, and I knew I had to do someth'n about it.

And so, as a proud "un-American" and a good citizen, I decided to make a list of things I could do about that road to ruin we seemed to be go'n down. 

Here's the list of ideas I came up with:

1. Ignore great grandmama, and Blindly Follow That Road wherever it leads.
2. Turn up the music, Tune Out the loud debate and just enjoy the scenery.
   
3. Trust our duly elected road engineers to know what the heck they're doing.
4. Wait for those duly elected engineers to figure it out on their own and change direction.
5. Kindly, respectfully, and not too loudly, Suggest a new route.
6. Stop along the road, wave my arms and Shout to get their attention.
7. Get a shovel and dig some potholes to Slow Them Down.
8. Divert Them with a  Really Big DETOUR Sign.
9. TAKE OUT THE BRIDGE...... FIRE THE ENGINEERS...... ELECT NEW ONES!
   

Mmm.... that last one sounds the best.

Disrespectfully yours, Pernickety Pete, somewhere in Western Colorado, August 14, 2009

Please note that the Pundit Pete Press Service does not condone, nor is it in anyway responsible for, the fishy content of this guest editorial, or for any intended or unintended consequences resulting from the publishing of this guest editorial, including, but not limited to: the forwarding of this guest editorial and any associated e-mail responses from our readers to flag@whitehouse.gov; or any resulting e-mails from David Axelrod, Senior Adviser to the President; or damage to, or destruction of, any bridges.

President Announces New Cost-Cutting Plan

(APPPS - Washington) Immediately following today's cabinet meeting, in which President Obama directed agency heads to search for over $100 million in program cuts, the White House released copies of the President's new directive, which will make such cost-cutting measures permanent. Titled the Give Back to America Plan, the presidential directive requires a minimum of $100 million in cuts for each $100 billion in new spending.

In an unexpected brief statement before a small contingent of reporters, and witnessed by a group of middle school students touring the White House, Obama declared, "These cost cutting measures will ensure that necessary growth in government goes hand in handout with fiscal responsibility. When combined with tax cuts for over 95 percent of all Americans, today's directive goes a long way in achieving my goal of halving the rate in growth of the federal deficit by the middle of my third term."

"I am also asking Congress to do their part to Give Back to America. In a spirit of bipartisanship, I am requesting that Democratic and Republican leaders in Congress work together to eliminate at least two earmarks, carefully chosen from Republican districts, for every 1,000 earmarks included in any piece of legislation."

"Furthermore, in a letter to the Supreme Court, I am requesting that the federal courts be directed to automatically release a minimum of three citizens out of every 1,000 detained under our new Rightwing Extremist Detention and Re-Education Initiative."

In response to a question from a middle school student about whether the constitution limits a president to two terms, Obama responded "The American people elected me to bring hope and change to America, and it's time we discard stale and out-dated policies of the past. We must move forward together as a nation to address the overwhelming problems I inherited. A president cannot be held responsible for misguided policies enacted when he was just a young student like yourself."

There was no comment from the White House regarding a leaked draft of the President's Give Back to America letter to Congress, which had floated the idea of a cutback in the annual Congressional pay raise.

Pundit Pete Press Service Special Educational Link - For encouragement and a better understanding of how the President's New Give Back to America Plan can reduce the Federal budget check out this video.

Homeland Security Rumor Debunked

APundit Pete Press Service NEWS FLASH
(APPPS - Washington) A widely-circulated rumor that the administration has been planning to change the name of the Department of Homeland Security to the less intimidating and more culturally sensitive title of "Mi Casa Es Su Casa" was denied yesterday by a spokesperson for Secretary Janet Napolitano. The rumor has now been officially debunked.

The source of the rumor was apparently an, as yet unidentified, Washington Beltway blogger. Several national news organizations are reported to be assigning teams of journalists to expose the blogger's identity, tax records, medical records, family members, neighbors, business associates, acquaintances, political affiliations, and other relevant information. Our own APPPS crack team of reporters and Internet researchers are currently following an exclusive lead on the blogger's identity.

Check back for updates.

Ward Churchill to Accept UN Appointment

(APPPS - Boulder, CO) After a whirlwind of high stakes negotiations easily as complicated as in any NFL trade, recently reinstated University of Colorado Professor Ward Churchill has agreed to accept a position as Special Envoy to serve on the United Nations Human Rights Council.